3 days to Engaged? nuh uh

So once upon a time I was 18. I know. Hard to believe? Because maturity just seeps out of my wise soul? haha.
And when I was 18 it was Time to move into the singles ward. You know...the infamous ward where you step foot and NEVER return? Well, I was secretly terrified of that ward. I was terrified of being among 'adults' and not fitting in. Of being the new girl. But mostly...I was terrified of the men. That's right. The RM's to be specific. I was terrified they would find me and force me into marriage somehow and I WAS NOT ready.

Well. Nightmares do come true.

I had been attending this church group (for those who read this and are not LDS, wards are different congregations of meeting, and a singles ward is a place specifically for young adult singles who are LDS.) for about three months. It was summer. Romance was hot and steamy in the air. At least as hot as Mormon's get, right? And this guy who we shall call Freddy had latched onto me. Freddy was a cute, nice, passionate guy who prided himself on his intellect and spirituality. Well, my parents left out of town for a week and Freddy started coming over to my house.

Day one. Not so bad. We talked and hung out, made popcorn and he helped me bbsit. Harmlessly domestic.

Day two. We talk some more, he says he wants to take me on a date. Sure, I say. What harm can ONE date do?

Day three. He takes me on a date up the canyon. Yes...the canyon, which can either be hopelessly romantic or dreadfully creepy. At first it was hopelessly romantic. Until he pulled over and said, "I've been thinking alot about this. And I think we need to get married. God is telling me we should."

UMMMMM....RUN! RUN! RUN!!!! I mean, we had only known each other THREE days!!???

When I coyly recoiled into my seat, he asked. "What do you think about that?"

"I think I want to go home."

"About getting married?"

"I think I want to go home." I said. I was blatantly terrified. I had never kissed anyone at that point, and suddenly being helplessly alone in the mountains with some dude who wanted to make me his forever had me convulsing...not just fear. Revulsion. My worst nightmare had come true.

Eventually he drove me back. And eventually, I convinced him that no matter WHAT he said, I was not going to marry him.

Funniest part of the story? A month later I am working at a bridal shop. It was a quick two week stint I did. A girl comes in and I help her with a dress. Who walks in to pick her up? THE GUY! Freddy. They had just gotten engaged.

Wow. Someone just wanted to get married. So glad I didn't turn out to be just the face and body he took down the aisle.

An Affair To Remember

So. Most of the stories on this blog have been HORRIBLE, right? Well...my life isn't just ONE horror story after the other. I have had some amazing romances sprinkled in there. I figured it was time for one of those:

I was embarking on my first cruise. The Mexican Rivera Cruise, on the Sapphire Princess. I was nervous, but excited. The ship was huge and shiny, and the ocean scented the entire experience like a balmy, romantic perfume.
He was the first person I saw on the ship. Asst. Cruise Director, who we shall call Ax for personal reasons. He was tall, dark, tan, and had a luscious Aussie accent to top it off. He looked at my passport, his fingers skimmed mine as he allowed me entrance and his brown eyes swept me in. I knew something happened then. And I knew I would be seeing him again.

Two nights later, I did. Karaoke night. He was hosting, and he picked me out of the crowd. "And would this beautiful blond sing for us?"
Never one to be put on the spot I said, "If you will."
He laughed, and nodded. "Fine, fine."
So I sang. And he sang. And I figured that was that. It was his job to schmooze me, right?
When I stood to leave however, his voice came over the speakers. "Would someone stop that beautiful blond? You're not leaving yet, are ya love?"
Um. Nope. Not with that invitation. I sauntered over to the DJ booth and sat with him.
And we continued sitting. And talking. Looooong after everyone cleared out. He pulled out a piano and we sang and played music together, and talked for hours. In this conversation I came to find that it was forbidden for staff members to have 'relations' with passengers.
Shucks.
Well...forbidden never stopped Jack and Rose. And it didn't stop us. Pretty quickly we developed code, secret ways that we just had to see each other.
"Do you need to charge your ipod?" He would ask. Naturally that met meet me by my booth. And then we would duck off into secret cruise quarters and just...talk. NO...really.
Four nights into it he pulled me into the staff hotel and we giggled like sneaky teenagers as he grabbed his guitar from Barcelona and we then ducked onto the ship roof, and he played for me under a blanket of stars that made me feel like I was in a Whole New World with my very own Aladin.


Formal night I thought would be THE night. He would see me looking gorgeous and kiss me....regardless of the RULES.

Well...I had spent an entire day in the sun. And hadn't eaten or drank alot. As I made my grand entrance to his ballroom Ax was dj'ing, I felt slightly light headed. I attributed it to his intoxicating presence.

Nope.

Not his presence. It was too much sun.

I fainted.

That's right. I fainted at this guys feet. Literally.

So he turns all Cruise Director on me and calls the medics and I get WHEELCHAIRED off...not exactly what I had in mind.

The next night was our last, and I was so humiliated I avoided him all day. Well...the end of the day comes around and he asks me to stay with him when he cleans up his station. So I did...feeling silly after the other night.

He turns to me then, and and asks me to dance. We were the only ones in the room...the old French tune dipped me into another world. A world of old fashioned romances and affairs at sea and then....yep... he kisses me. Right there. Right in the middle of the ballroom. Right in the middle of the ship in the middle of the ocean in the middle of my heart.

And I left my heart at sea that day. Not regretting any part of my sea fairing romance.

can I go to the bathroom...with you?

Another dating story fit for this blog. Here's the tale:

The sun was like a giant lemon drop in the sky. I looked up at it, then took in a deep breath of spring air. The guy who was meeting me at the park was a guy I met at an institute dance. He had seemed cute. And funny. After all he had been wearing a superman T-shirt. That already won points with me. And he had planned a romantic date. A picnic in the park. Things were looking good.
"Superman" pulled into the park just a few minutes after me. He got out of his car looking a lot like James Bond, sunglasses, disheveled sexy hair. My knees buckled like I was surfing a tsunami. I managed a smile.
"Hey," I said.
"Hey," He looked over his sunglasses at me.
"So" I eyed what he balanced on his hand. "Pizza?"
The Little Caesers Box smelled like hot, cheap pizza. I had the tendency to get a legit craving for hot, cheap pizza.
"Yeah." He flashed his blinding smile at me. We walked to the top of a fuzzy green hill. I sighed. Finally a man who could do things Jane Austin style.
He magically pulled a quilt out, and smooth as a magician had it settled atop the hill. We sat. I smiled, feeling a little awkward next to this class A literary hero type.
"Oh," I said, suddenly feeling stupid. "Before we start I'm gonna hit the restroom and wash my hands."
He slipped his shades off, eyed me. "Let me assist you."
Erm. What?
I must have heard him wrong. I chuckled and stood, "So I'll be right back."
He jumped to his feet like spiderman, concern creasing his brow. "I insist."
"You insist what?"
"I should accompany you to the restroom."
I shrugged. So the guy was into chivalry. And he talked a little too properly. The restroom was only seven feet away, but he could follow me to the door if he wanted.
We walked in silence. It wasn't really awkward because it wasn't a long walk.
I got to the door, which he swooped in and opened. I smiled. "Thanks."
I walked into the restroom.
And he followed me.
Wait. What? I turned, shocked. The guy was following me INTO the bathroom?
I looked around nervously, "Erm, you can just wait outside."
"I think its safer for you if I just wait in here."
Okay. This. Was. Weird. I KNEW I shouldn't have gone out with a guy from an institute dance. I had banned them all for a reason.
I wasn't sure if I should be freaked out or laugh. So I laughed. He just kinda looked at me like I was crazy, and for a second the look actually worked. I shut up. Then I laughed again.
"What's so funny?" He asked.
I couldn't say anything.

Lets Mix Flavors

My heart was thumping like a wild elephant in my chest, my palms were cool as my nerves jumped with girlish excitement. This date was BOUND to be different. Sure, it was a first date, but I knew this guy. Well...not really...I had seen him around. And had a major crush on him. He was super attractive--a performer, with intense eyes and a wicked smile that made me go weak in the knees.
Yep. This was gonna be a good date.
My phone bleeps. A text from Him. ...i'm here...
hmm. He couldn't even walk up to my door and get me?
Oh well, I overlook this clueless move because the minute I step outside and see his face I can't even think straight.
Yeahhh, just as cute as I remember. We shall call him Mister Smooth Pants.
The first thing I notice is that his car smells like an entire bottle of cologne broke inside on the seat. The smell is so strong and musky I almost gag, but resist as he flashes me that ten dollar smile.
"You hungry?"
I nod.
Let me just clarify...this guy asked ME out.
K, now that that's outta the way...
Onto dinner.
We go to a nice steak place. I am impressed but ask "This looks expensive, are you sure?"
He just grins and says "Of course baby." He's already calling me baby? Sure he's cute...but...nobody calls me BABY on the first date. Especially someone who has better hair than I do.
We order. I am polite and order a salad, because the menu is just too pricey for me. He orders a steak with all the fixings...
We eat and talk...and talk...and talk...about him. His bad hair days. His accolades as a performer. How he can't seem to get rid of his girl fan club.
The whole time I was interested, but amazed that he was so in love with himself he didn't even bother to ask how to pronounce my last name, he just kept pronouncing it the wrong way.
Okayyyy he's still cute. Don't judge.
The bill comes.
Without missing a beat he winks at me, "Hey, you wouldn't mind paying would you? I just realized I forgot my wallet."
UMMMMM. Whattttttt?????
Of course I choke inside but force a smile, "Sure."
Sure I'll pay for your massive steak and appetizer and dessert while all I got was a salad with maybe three croutons and watered down dressing...sure...you miserable no good...
"Baby?" He asks...I'm sure my face had gone red.
"Yes?"
"Shall we?"
I nod sweetly and follow him out to his car.
He grins at me and winks. "I never get girls doors, it sets bad standards for when you get married."
I just nod and open my door. WHATEVER. This guy is quickly winning me all over the place.
He turns on some slow, sappy romantic music as he drives...and reaches for my hand.
I go to tug my hand away but he just holds it tighter, turns to me and starts singing..."on the wings of loooove"....in an off tone, monotone voice.
Mister Smooth Pants is just TOOOO smooth.
I am forced to let him hold my hand the whole way to my house because his grip his like a python. When we get there I yank it free. He smiles and pulls out two different kinds of mints.
He offers me one, "Pick one."
I narrow my eyes. "why?"
"Because it makes the kissing experience better if we have two different flavors to taste."
YUCK. Like I would EVER kiss you.
I take one and smile slyly... Yeah...you think you're getting a kiss...
He walks me to my door. Then he reaches for my hands and plays with my hands like we are honeymoon lovers. He acts like he is the star of the bachelor, I want to ask where the cameras are. He then gives me a look so passionate all I can do is burst into laughter.
Mister Smooth Pants looks stunned that I would be laughing at his attempt at porch-lit-romance.
"You're ruining the mood," he hisses.
I just keep laughing. "What mood?"
I turn and open my door then shut it on his mile-wide open mouth.
"Aren't we gonna kiss?" Mister Smooth Pants is wining like a puppy.
"Nope," I say, "I don't mix flavors."
That's right.
Goodbye Mister Smooth Pants.

can I touch your toes?

It was a romantic night. The kind where the moon has swallowed the sky so that whole atmosphere looks like it might implode. But in a beautiful, whimsical way. I'm waiting on my porch and see His car pull up. My blind date whom we shall call Doctor Foot. He gets out of his car and I am actually smitten. He's not a midget. He's not wolf man. He is cute.
He gets closer.
Mmmm. He is cuter than cute. Almost...hot. Dare I think it?
He smiles a knee buckling smile and says "I'm Doctor Foot."
"Hi," I say. Finally a cute one.
We hop in his car. I try to ignore the fact that year old french fries are putrefied on the dashboard.
And the fact that he listens to Ricky Martin.
"Up for bowling?" He gives me a Dean Martin smile. I forget about Ricky Martin.
"Uh huh."
We stop at the alley. He gets out. He's a gentlemen, he comes and opens my door. Okay, two more points. I can look over the mummified fries.
We walk into the alley. Its a little ghetto, what bowling alley isn't? I like living on the other side of the tracks for a change. Until a guy with a missing tooth and belly that bulges like Santa's winks at me from the pool table. Doctor Foot waves at the guy. Oh gosh. Please tell me they're not friends.
Doctor Foot walks over to Pirate Santa. Yep. They are.
We are introduced. Pirate Santa smells like things my innocent nose has never smelled before. "Doctor Foot here will take care of ya!" He slaps my back like I'm a professional hockey player. I cringe and me and Doctor Foot walk to our designated alley.
He turns to me and suddenly drops to my feet. I am a little shocked, but force a smile. He smiles at me and whips out a thick, woolly white sock. "Mind if I slip this on?"
I wouldn't mind...except he has this weird, crazed look in his eye. And he is no longer looking at my face, but my foot. And he's looking at it so passionately I step back. "Uh, that's okay." I reach for the sock.
His smile wilts and he lunges for my ankle, I come down like a sumo wrestler. Instead of asking if I'm okay he just reaches for my foot and strokes it. Yep. That's right. Strokes it.
"You have great feet. I love feet."
Ewe. I want to gag. But I am so shocked from the fall all I can do is gape in horror as he slips the sock on my foot...and then kisses my toes. UGH. I want to barf. When we stand up I fake a headache and say I better get home. He just looks at my feet and shrugs. "Want me to take your socks off?"

let me introduce myself

I run my hands over my skirt, nervously awaiting His arrival. Another blind date. This one has to be better than the last, right? Right.
A knock at the door has my hopes raised. Not completely inflated, because lets face it, I've seen the worst of 'em. But I still have a soft, wavering, delicate bubble of hope in me somewhere.
I open the door.
Bubble pops.
A pleasant enough guy who is about a foot shorter than I am grins up at me. (I am only 5'4, give or take) So this guy is practically a midget. I smile and take a deep breath. I'm not shallow, I reason to myself. Maybe he has a winning personality.
"Hi," I speak first because he keeps staring with an open mouth. I wonder if I have lip gloss on my chin.
"I'm Jenn," I continue. "Nice to meet you."

Dragggggggged. Outtttt. Silence.

"uhm" he finally breathes out, "I'm *Sparticus"
"Great," I nod encouraging him to speak.
"Ready to go?" he asks.
I grab my purse and follow him out the door. His car is nice. Clean. See. He must have a nice personality I tell myself. Just don't think about standing up if he tries to kiss you.

Draggggged. Outttt. Silence.

"So," I finally say. He hasn't even turned on any music. Just the soft hum of his car lulls between us. "How was your day?"
"Great!" He smiles and faces me. So...he is missing a tooth. Stop being shallow I tell myself. Its all about inner beauty after all.
"What did you do?" I am getting slightly weary by the one word answer game.
"I took a shower. It was great. You know...showers are so great. I love showering."
"Cool." I say. I am feeling awkward.
"I mean, showering is where I really get to know myself," he continues, oblivious to how red this conversation is making me. "I like to do karate in my shower. It really loosens me up."
I cough. I must have heard him wrong. "Excuse me?" I thought he must be joking.
"Karate," he turns to me, suddenly serious. "It's in my heritage. I could never date a girl who doesn't take karate as seriously as me. Or showers."
Hmmm. I smile politely. This is gonna be a great night.